【第1句】： better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.？

【第2句】： crowded elevators smell different to midgets.？

【第3句】： did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?？

【第4句】： evening news is where they begin with ’good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.？

【第5句】： good girls are bad girls that never get caught.？

【第6句】： how is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?？

【第7句】： if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?？

【第8句】： light travels faster than sound. this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.？

【第9句】： men have two emotions: hungry and horny. if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.？

【第10句】： my mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.？

【第11句】： the main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.？

【第12句】： the voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!？

【第13句】： women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.？

【第14句】：a bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.？

【第15句】：a bus station is where a bus stops. a train station is where a train stops. on my desk, i have a work station..？

【第16句】：a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 【第17句】：a computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.？

【第18句】：children: you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.？

【第19句】：i didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian？

【第20句】：i discovered i scream the same way whether i’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.？

【第21句】：i saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "guess" on it...so i said "implants?"？

【第22句】：i thought i wanted a career, turns out i just wanted paychecks.？

【第23句】：if god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.？

【第24句】：if i agreed with you we’d both be wrong. 【第25句】：if you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.？

【第26句】：knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.？

【第27句】：laugh at your problems, everybody else does.？

【第28句】：never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.？

【第29句】：politicians and diapers have one thing in common. they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.？

【第30句】：sex is not the answer. sex is the question. "yes" is the answer.